R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
