In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize