Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
