I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
