i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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