just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
