Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
