Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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