shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
