I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I can text with my tongue
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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