You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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