Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
