I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Sex in the backyard? Check.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
