if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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