Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
