Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize