I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize