Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
