I just gift wrapped bread.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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