new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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