Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
