I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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