u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
