well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
