my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
