I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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