you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
