After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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