When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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