i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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