yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Randomize
