whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
