I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
