I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
