I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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