The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
My life is pants optional.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
