the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
