I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
