I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I smell stomach acid.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize