How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
