Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i love accidental penises.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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