Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
