The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Four minutes until I can fart!
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
