Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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