I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
