Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
