Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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