how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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