my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
