I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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