He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
