Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
