honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
