his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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