I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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