apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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