some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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