dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
