yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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