You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
where are my eyebrows?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize