so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
